[phone ringing]
- Honey.
- Hmm?
- Honey, honey, honey.
- McQuaid.
Yeah. Put him on.
- Not tonight.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
[dramatic music]
He's what?
Sweet mother of God.
- His name is Josh Greenberg.
Last week, he tried to kiss a girl he works with named Rosa.
She turned him down. Now he wants to text her.
- What does the text say?
- "You up? Wanna hang?"
I know. His finger's on the button.
- Christ. Is he drunk?
- They always are.
Your show, McQuaid.
- Josh!
My name is Lieutenant McQuaid. I just want to talk.
- Well, I'm all done talking, man!
- I know you're in a bad spot. But use your head.
It's 2:00 a.m. on a Saturday.
How do you think this is gonna play out?
Rosa's gonna read that text as a booty call
and think you're creepy.
- Hey! Don't come any closer!
I'll send it. I swear to God I'll send it.
- Okay, okay, okay! You're in control, brother.
You're in control.
- Snipers in position.
[suspenseful music]
- We got a clear shot.
- No.
Hold your fire.
Let me try something.
I put down mine. You want to put down yours?
- No way, man!
- That's... that's fine. That's okay.
I'm just gonna come a little bit closer so we can talk.
I think you and me might have got off on the wrong foot.
How 'bout we start over, huh?
You went to North Evanston High, right?
- Yeah.
- I've got a couple buddies from there.
Go, Wolverines!
- Yeah, go, Wolverines.
- Good! Now we're talking. This is good.
You like sports, Josh?
- What?
- I like sports.
Football, basketball.
I played some back in college. I even thought about going pro.
But my problem was, I was just never...
fast enough!
- No!
♪ ♪
[both grunting]
- No!
[cell phone blips]
- Yeah. - [sighs]
- I guess I probably shouldn't have sent that text, huh?
[downtempo electronic music]
♪ ♪
- Ah!
♪ ♪
- [squeaks]
♪ ♪
- [growls]
♪ ♪
- [exhales sharply]
Rosa the Riveter!
Top of the morning to you!
Did you happen to receive the group text
I sent over the weekend or...
- Oh. Um.
So "You up? Wanna hang?" was a group text?
- Yeah, yeah, no, I was merely asking
the group I was texting if they were up
for attending a hockey game this weekend.
- Oh, you see, I thought I was the only recipient...
Who else is in the group?
- Uh, Mike, my friend Mike.
- Oh! Your friend Mike.
- You know Mike?
- Well, yeah, I met him at the food truck, remember?
- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.
So Mike's going to the hockey game?
- Y-yeah.
- Okay, I mean, I enjoy hockey.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
- That sounds fun. Thanks for organizing this!
- Jesus, all right. - So sweet.
- Cool, thanks.
- Dude, I'm psyched Rosa's coming.
- Yeah, this is, uh... This-this-this will be good.
- Hey, you guys!
- Both: Hey! - Hi.
- Hey, Rosa, nice to see you again.
- It's nice to see you too. What's up, Josh?
- Hey, hey.
- Uh-oh! Check it out!
- No way!
- Yeah, what are the odds, right?
- I mean, everyone walking in is wearing that jersey, so...
- Josh, take our picture!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to get this on the 'Gram.
- ♪Twins! - Yes, hashtag, and...
Yay. - Awesome!
- Here you go.
- Damn, we look hot. Mm. - Oh, my God.
- Sexy. Oh, yeah, send that one to me.
- Okay. Oh, yeah, what's your number?
- Oh, it's, um, 847...
555... - Mm-hmm?
- 0169.
- [laughs]
- They said you could pick whatever number you want
at the store.
- I love that!
- What have you been up to, dude?
- Oh, this and that, staying busy.
Oh, he's got them. - Yeah, I got them.
- He's got the tickets. - All right!
[crowd roaring]
[buzzer blares]
- Rosa, hey!
- I call middle seat!
- Rosa! Rosa!
- I call middle seat!
- Oh, pardon me, sir. - Jesus.
- Yeah! - Sorry. Okay.
I'm trying to... - All right.
- Yeah, I know, just...
Sorry. I know. I'm sorry.
- This might sound stupid, but every time I watch hockey,
I think of Casey Jones.
- From the Ninja Turtles? - Yeah!
- Me too, dude!
I totally had a nine-year-old boner for April O'Neil.
- I had an eight-year-old boner for Raphael,
because he's cool but rude!
- [laughs]
- Pizza!
- What?
- Pi... the Ninja Turtles love pizza, remember?
- They ate pizza.
- Oh, yeah, right, right, totally.
- They ate pizza. - Totally. Totally.
- Now it's time for the Kiss Cam!
- Whoo!
Oh, my gosh! Oh!
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Oh, my gosh!
I guess we have to. - Yeah.
- You don't have to. You don't have to.
Both: Mwah.
[buzzer blares]
- Crazy.
Hey! You guys remember Thundercats?
That was another cartoon that existed.
- Now it's time for the Kiss Cam!
- Uh-uh. - What? Again?
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, for [bleep] sake, what?
- I guess we have to.
- [laughs] - No.
[crowd cheering]
[buzzer blares]
- Wow. Ooh, nice lips too.
- Thanks! - Hey, will you move?
- I'm sorry? - Can I... can I sit here?
I'm having... uh... I need... Can't see the, uh...
Can I... can I switch seat... Yeah?
- Oh, all right. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry. - No, you're welcome.
- Hey. - All right.
Okay!
Good game. - Yeah.
- Once again, it's time for the Kiss Cam!
- Again?
It's like... it's like, my God, man, like, mix it up.
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- I'm sick of this bit.
- How did they do that?
- It's a conspiracy!
- Well, I guess we have to! - You don't!
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
[buzzer blares]
[crowd cheering]
- Mm. Mm.
[laughs] Whoo!
- Whoo. [laughs]
- [groans]
I think... I don't feel so good.
I think I'm gonna split.
- Oh, no. - What, really?
- Yeah, I got to... got to... Uh, yep.
I think you guys should just stay put.
- What are you talking about? - Stay put.
No, I'm not, uh... Yeah, you guys do your thing.
- All right. - No, no, it's fine. It's fine.
- What are you doing? - I guess I'll sit here again.
- Now it's time for the Lonely Cam!
[crowd cheering]
- Are you f... Really, man? What is that?
- I think you're supposed to masturbate and cry.
- I'm supposed to what?
Crowd: Masturbate and cry! Masturbate and cry!
- Guess you have to.
[buzzer blares]
- It's, like, yet another mission
where I have to take some guy's barrel for him
from one part of the city to another part of the city.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's just like, I bought that game because
I want to be an assassin, not a barrel courier.
You know what I mean?
- What's up? Yeah, totally.
No, I... I'm sorry.
I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
- Oh, yeah, what, uh, what... what's up?
- It's, uh... it's about Rosa.
- Ah, Rosa, yes.
What... what about Rosa?
- We've been kind of hanging out.
- Mm-kay. - And nothing has happened yet.
- Uh-huh. Yeah. - Whatsoever, um.
But I think there's something really special between us.
- What? Amazing!
That's so neat. Are you sure, though?
Just 'cause Rosa's very particular...
- I'm sure. - Yeah, wicked.
- I know you used to have a thing for her, and, um,
before we get any further, just wanted to check
to make sure that you're cool with it.
- Aw, Mike, Michael!
I... I appreciate that, but yeah.
I'm cool with it.
- Really?
- Absolutely!
- Okay, Josh, but honestly, if you are not cool with it,
just say so, and I'll nip the whole thing in the bud.
- Mi-i-i-i-i-ke!
I'm cool with it, man. I really am.
I'm cool with it.
[cool jazz music]
♪ ♪
♪ So you guys like each other and you want to date ♪
♪ Well, I'm not upset ♪
♪ In fact, I think that's great ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm cool with it ♪
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
- ♪ I'm totally cool with it ♪
Women: ♪ Yeah, he's cool with it ♪
- ♪ Now I bet you think I'm jealous ♪
♪ Well, that's something I'm above ♪
♪ I'm psyched that my best friend ♪
♪ Is with the girl that I... ♪
Know from work and consider a friend.
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
- I'm... I'm really happy for you guys.
Women: ♪ Totally cool with it ♪
- ♪ I'm cool with it ♪
[rimshot]
You believe me now?
- Totally! Thanks, man!
Got to get the oysters.
I read online that they are
the best in the city.
- Okay, oysters it is. - Yeah, kind of a big...
[drumroll]
All right. [clears throat]
- Oh, my God.
[cool jazz music]
- Ah!
♪ ♪
♪ I see you two are out for a romantic night ♪
♪ While I'll be going home now ♪
♪ To watch some "Seinfelds" alone ♪
♪ But I'm cool with it ♪
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
- ♪ Have a wonderful time ♪
Women: ♪ Make it the night of your lives ♪
- ♪ It's cool ♪
- Thanks, man.
- Thanks, Josh.
- Good stuff, girls. Okay, let's get out of here.
- No, I never really knew my biological father.
- Was that hard for you? - Of course!
- I can't imagine. I mean, my dad was...
- ♪ I'm so cool with it, it's like I'm made of ice ♪
♪ Have you guys had sex yet? I don't care ♪
Women: ♪ He's cool with it ♪
- ♪ But have you, though? ♪
Women: ♪ Not that it matters ♪
♪ He's cool ♪ - Have you, though?
- We're in the middle of something.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, understood. Sorry.
- Thanks. - Yep, sorry.
All right, listen, okay, that was a disaster.
I want nice, tight snaps.
- My mom is awesome.
- Snaps you can eat off of.
- [snoring]
[wheels squeaking]
[cool jazz music]
Ah! [sighs]
- ♪ Here's a little bit of a hypothetical ♪
♪ What if I were to say that I'm no longer cool with it? ♪
Women: ♪ Just bro-ing it out there ♪
- Not that that's actually how I feel, but if...
women: ♪ Would you stop dating? ♪
- No.
I mean, we're kind of a thing now.
- Yeah! Yeah, no, that's... that's...
Yeah, that's what I thought, okay.
- Cool. - Cool.
- Well, good night! - Good night, man.
[whispering] - All right, come on, this way.
Mr. Cranky Pants is not a showbiz fan.
- It's 3:00 in the morning! - Okay, come on.
- Cranky Pants. Jesus.
- Knock, knock. Sorry, uh...
The door... the door, um, is it locked from the outside?
Does someone lock you in every night?
- No!
- 'Cause we're having a hell of a time opening...
- Just push it! Push it. It's a door.
- Is it a push-and-lift? - I'm so tired, man!
- Push-and-lift? - I don't know!
- Okay, fine. - It's a door.
I'm tired, please.
- You know, you [bleep] live here, so...
- You've been in here a million times.
I live here. Jesus Christ, man.
- So is it... is it a push-and-lift? - Come on!
- Did, um... did Mike send you that Evite that he made
for Rosa's birthday party with the...
With the Ninja Turtles?
It was so cute.
- Yeah, yeah, he sent, he sent it to me. I received it.
- You gonna go?
- Ah, meh, I don't, I don't know.
- Really?
- What do you want? They're a couple.
They're, like, actually a couple now.
And, uh,
I know I'm supposed to be cool with it, but, uh,
yeah, it's hard... it's hard for me to be around them.
- Yeah, no, totally. I get that.
Can I give you some advice? - Oh, shit.
Yeah, do it.
- The only way you're gonna get over Rosa
is to try to find someone new.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
[bass music thumping]
- It was so, so, so fun.
And then, on the drive home, we found a dude
selling fireworks on the side of the road.
- I bought the biggest one.
It's called the Teddy Blows-evelt.
Gonna set it off at midnight to celebrate this little cutie.
- Wow, Mike, this is a really...
This is a really awesome party.
- This is a really awesome lady. - Babe!
- Hey, baby.
- What's up, party people?
- Oh, good, you made it.
- Actually, we made it.
[dramatic musical sting]
Liz, meet my new girlfriend, Bosa.
- Bosa? Nice to meet you.
- [guttural groan]
- [chuckles]
[laughs] Isn't she great?
- [softly] Yeah.
Let's go get a drink. - Yeah, you got it.
- Yeah. - Stay, stay put.
Don't, don't eat any garbage.
- Okay, Josh... - Yes?
- Doesn't Bosa remind you of someone?
- Huh. Uh, Dame Angelina Jolie?
- She looks a lot like Rosa. - She looks nothing like Rosa.
- Josh! - Dr. Orloff?
- Your Rosa clone is malfunctioning.
I tried to create what you asked.
But she's a monster.
I'm so sorry.
- Josh! - Yeah?
- Really? - What?
- Okay, I know you're stuck on Rosa,
but cloning her is not the solution.
- I am not stuck on Rosa.
That's always been my type: Brown hair, brown eyes,
genetic sequence AAAAAGCTGCCCTAAAA.
Look, the point is, we're really happy.
- [labored breathing]
Kill...
me.
- Shit.
No, no, no, no. No, no, oop, oh, okay, no, no.
No, no, no. - [snarling]
- Yield! - [snarls]
- Yield!
- Can I get a whiskey, please?
- Hold up! Yo! Listen up, everybody.
I just want to say something real quick.
And I am not just saying this because it's her birthday.
But, Rosa, you are the kindest,
smartest, funniest, sexiest babe
I have ever met.
Crowd: Aww!
- Um, so here's to my little choo-choo
from your big ol' loose caboose.
Happy birthday, Rosa.
All: Happy birthday, Rosa!
- Happy birthday.
- [moaning]
- Whoa, Josh, Josh!
- [slurring] Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
[clattering on glass]
Everybody!
Today is also my girlfriend's birthday!
Bosa!
She was born this morning in a centrifuge!
And she loves me, and I love her,
and everybody loves her.
So from... to my... to my, uh,
hoppy, floppy bunny rabbit
from... from your chunky little carrot man,
happy birthday, Bosa!
[all mumbling] Happy birthday, Bosa.
- Kill me.
- There's a lot to love about Bosa,
and I don't just mean her pretty face or her giant hand.
And... and... and I'll tell you
the thing I like about her the most:
She's definitely not the kind of person
that would go out with your best friend
after giving you every indication
that she wanted to kiss you.
- All right. Good speech, bro.
- Thanks, bro! Radical!
Catch a wave, dude!
- Hey, Josh! It's not cool, man.
- Oh, really, was it not? Was it not cool?
Well, I'll tell you something.
What you guys are doing isn't cool either.
- We asked, and you said you were cool with it.
- What was I supposed to say?
I'm leaving.
Bosa!
- Oh, my God! She's got a firework!
- She's got a what?
- The Teddy Blows-evelt. Get down!
[firework explodes]
- Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Good night, sweet clone.
- I'm so sorry, Josh. - Ah, it's okay.
She really hated being alive.
- Yeah.
- So long, Bosa X.
- Bosa X?
- Oh, yeah, she-she's the one you met.
The, uh... the rest of them didn't really work out so good.
- Yikes.
So, uh, what's gonna happen with you and Mike and Rosa?
- I don't know, they're still pretty angry at me,
which I understand.
My behavior was less than perfect.
- Yeah, they'll get over it.
And guess what. So will you.
- What about me?
- Ah! Dr. Orloff.
- I will never get over my crimes against God and nature.
I put shame upon myself and all of science.
- Why did you do it if you hate it so much?
- For money. Word of advice.
Do not send your kids to private schools.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Listen, guys, let's... Let's go get a beer.
- That's a good idea. - Yeah. I'll pay.
- I'm not having beer right now.
I'm on this low-carb thing.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
Well, I'm sure they can, yeah, find something for you.
- Yeah, we'll... yeah.
- Thanks, guys. You really are my best friends.
- ♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought tae mind ♪
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And auld lang syne ♪
♪ For auld lang syne, my jo ♪
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
- I... I can't afford this!
I thought you guys were non-union.
- We're in Actors' Equity.
- You're all Equity?
- If one of us is Equity, then it's an Equity production,
and we're all owed Equity compensation.
- Even the drummer?
All he did was play one beat over and over again.
- I don't make the rules, daddy-o.
[rimshot]